take back your power

the truth will set you free

On love

     When love beckons to you, follow him,
     Though his ways are hard and steep.
     And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
     Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
     And when he speaks to you believe in him,
     Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

     For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
     Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
     So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
     Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself
     He threshes you to make your naked.
     He sifts you to free you from your husks.
     He grinds you to whiteness.
     He kneads you until you are pliant;
     And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

     All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

     But if in your heart you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
     Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
     Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
     Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
     Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
     For love is sufficient unto love.

     When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
     And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

     Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
     But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
     To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
     To know the pain of too much tenderness.
     To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
     And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
     To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
     To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
     To return home at eventide with gratitude;
     And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

endings and beginnings

you ran away who said you could come back

May your heart remain breakable But never by the same hand twice

There were reasons I liked you beyond you trying to impress me, or driving me to the airport, or texting me frequently, or sending me interesting things, or paying attention to me, or letting me steal your sweater, or you lusting after me, although I liked all those things, a lot. In my brokenness and chaos, you showed me things I really resonated with. But beyond that, I saw something in you that I really liked and resonated with.... but I don't see it or feel it there anymore. And I don't understand why. But it seems like I have no choice but to let it be. I can understand that we all have our journeys and you're choosing to no longer show up for me and you're choosing to no longer go/grow with me through my journey. I can respect that, if you have to go your way on your journey. But I will not tolerate you not respecting my being or my journey. You don't get to dismiss my feelings or my perspective or my wellbeing or my voice. You don't get to feign ignorance or lack of understanding or make me feel like just being too emotional or I'm uselessly suffering. I will not tolerant you not respecting my being or my journey.

You broke my heart by actually being so far from the ('beyond that') things I liked about you.

People are selfish and disappointing

reconnecting

I ranted and rambled to Michelle today on having clarity of the process and the connections Big thinking and learning energy but also need to do....

Selfish

When someone consistently tells you you hurt them you don’t get to say no you didn’t or to tell them just let it go. You hurt me. I was hurt by you. You said things and did things that hurt me. You broke my trust and I realllly trust you and I was realllly vulnerable to you. What kind of psychopath are you to not get that and still come and bother me. And have the audacity to brush off my feelings. You’re not caring. You’re not being a friend. And if you don’t care why are you still messaging me? What the fuck am I to you ?

you really hurt me...

Stay Sane. Gentle Stirrings.

Order number one or [gentle stirrings of the soul] number one has always been to stay sane. Self health.

And I could never really put my finger on the exact worry or nudging that provoked me to feel I need to "stay sane", but it has to do with... managing the intensity, the restlessness inside me. The depth of that ocean, the ferocity, the intensity, the authenticity, my soul depth, that has always made a point that it needs to seen, heard, felt, acknowledged. And I've heeded to many reminders that the only one that can truly appease its needs it myself. Anything, anyone, else would be a temporary band-aid at best and a fudged-up, toxic relationship at worst. I've tried to reason with it, if everything is transitory and temporary anyway, why couldn't I just live this life as in my temporary ignorant bliss as well? Because I know better. It sucks, but I know. I know that I know. So where does that lead me? To stop struggling with it and to embrace it, to yield to it (at worst), to honor it (at best), allow it to shine (or burn, light up, firecracker, darken, to be).

So how do I bring light and accept these gentle stirrings?