Selfish

When someone consistently tells you you hurt them you don’t get to say no you didn’t or to tell them just let it go. You hurt me. I was hurt by you. You said things and did things that hurt me. You broke my trust and I realllly trust you and I was realllly vulnerable to you. What kind of psychopath are you to not get that and still come and bother me. And have the audacity to brush off my feelings. You’re not caring. You’re not being a friend. And if you don’t care why are you still messaging me? What the fuck am I to you ?

you really hurt me...

Stay Sane. Gentle Stirrings.

Order number one or [gentle stirrings of the soul] number one has always been to stay sane. Self health.

And I could never really put my finger on the exact worry or nudging that provoked me to feel I need to "stay sane", but it has to do with... managing the intensity, the restlessness inside me. The depth of that ocean, the ferocity, the intensity, the authenticity, my soul depth, that has always made a point that it needs to seen, heard, felt, acknowledged. And I've heeded to many reminders that the only one that can truly appease its needs it myself. Anything, anyone, else would be a temporary band-aid at best and a fudged-up, toxic relationship at worst. I've tried to reason with it, if everything is transitory and temporary anyway, why couldn't I just live this life as in my temporary ignorant bliss as well? Because I know better. It sucks, but I know. I know that I know. So where does that lead me? To stop struggling with it and to embrace it, to yield to it (at worst), to honor it (at best), allow it to shine (or burn, light up, firecracker, darken, to be).

So how do I bring light and accept these gentle stirrings?